Work a Step

introduction


We wrote these reflections/meditations based on the ACA 12 steps written by Tony A. 


Tony A was a founder of ACA and the author if a book called "The Laundry List."  In that book, he explains that adult children need a lot of training in how to be gentle with themselves.  To help provide that training, he wrote 12 steps emphasizing self-love and the unconditional love of a higher power. Although Tony's steps are not the "official" steps of ACA, they are considered conference approved literature (see page xxxvi in the ACA text.)  We find that Tony A's steps get to the core of  ACA issues more effectively than the steps currently used by ACA,(i.e. those used by AA, and Al-anon.)



That being said, we believe the writers of the ACA text incorporated the spirit of Tony A's steps into the chapters dealing with the steps, particularly steps  4, 8 and 9.  The book makes it easy to work the steps gently and thoroughly-- whichever version you decide to use. To completely "work" any of the steps, we recommend reading chapter 7 of the ACA Big Red Book, getting a sponsor, and completing all the exercises in the book.  These meditations are complementary to program step work, not replacements for it.

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step one

Admitted we were powerless over the effects of being raised in a alcoholic or dysfunctional home, that our lives had become unmanageable.

The Pearl

In the Christian tradition, Jesus compared the kingdom of God (the spiritual life) to a pearl. In recovery, I might consider my serenity (well being, inner peace,) as a pearl.

In the story, a merchant discovers a priceless pearl and sells everything he has in order to buy it. In essence, isn't that what I must do when I begin the Twelve Steps?

I was suicidal when I began ACA. At my first meeting, I saw hope as brilliant as any gemstone. I wanted to own hope so badly I changed my life for it. I quit certain relationships. I entered counseling. I stopped overworking and started attending meetings. My life now looks completely different. But I still can't afford to buy the pearl.

In ACA the price of serenity is steeper than I thought. Dis-ease is written into the fabric of my being. Changing that script is slow and uncomfortable. However, I won't condemn myself for all the work it will take to obtain my pearl.

step two

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could bring us clarity.

My Murky Soul

As an adult child, I turned to addictions because I had no clarity. I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I felt. I didn't know who I was. All I knew was pain.

My addictions gave me clarity in the sense that they distracted me from the pain. Unfortunately, they also distracted me from myself. Any “clarity” I had was like gazing into a murky pond. Sure, I could see a few fish and some debris floating near the surface. But the answers I needed about who I was were dwelling below the superficial symptoms of my disease.

ACA is the only program I know that teaches me how to effectively clean the murky pond that had become my soul. It gives me tools like feeling my emotions, checking in with my body, gentleness breaks, affirmations, mirror work, humor, love, and many more. When I utilize these tools, the clouds dissipate. I can see long neglected parts of myself. I can see where I want to go in my recovery. I can see a higher power.

Step by step in ACA, my way becomes clearer. I will keep coming back. I will use the tools. I will be open to a higher power. I will recover.


step three

We made a decision to practice self-love and to trust a Higher Power of our understanding.

The Self-Love Station

The concept of Self-Love confused me at first. My “self” was in terrible pain. My “self” didn't know where to turn for help. How could this broken “self” love itself?

ACA taught me I had different parts of my “self.” At the very least, I had the inner critical parent, the nurturing parent and the inner child. When I paid attention to my thoughts and feelings, I found that this was true. One part of me was saying “You jerk!” Another part said, “It's gonna be O.K.” A third screamed, “Help me!” All of these voices represented feelings and memories that were inside of me—my “self.”

I liked the voice that said “It's gonna be OK,” so I decided to tune into that station as much as possible. The DJ's are my inner nurturing parent, my Higher Power and loving voices from my life. When this self-love radio station is on the air, my negative emotions and painful memories are easier to bear. When the self-love radio signal is weak, I can boost it with the tools of ACA: journaling, talking on the phone, going to meetings, feeling my feelings, reading the literature.

Today, practicing self love begins with the words, “It's gonna be OK.” This simple phrase connects me with all the healthy people and behaviors in my life. Thanks to the ACA program, I actually believe :

“It's gonna be OK.”

step 3 is so important, we included 2 reflections!

Pay It Forward

We made a decision to practice self-love and to trust a Higher Power of our understanding.

The film “Pay it Forward”, released in the year 2000, touched a nerve in me. A young boy from an alcoholic home begins a social revolution by doing nice things for three people. In return, he asks his beneficiaries that they “pay it forward” to three other people.

It made a great movie, and there's nothing wrong with doing nice things for others. But as an adult child, I was always giving away my good stuff before it sunk in and nourished my soul. When I heard another adult child say that instead of “paying it forward” she was learning to “pay it inward,” my own social revolution had begun.

If someone gives me a compliment, a gift, or a hug, I make a point to stop and experience what is happening. I say thank you. I feel my feelings of gratitude, awkwardness, love—whatever they may be. Then, I take what felt good and mentally feed it to myself over and over and over. These thoughts become like yeast. Facts about my goodness and love-ability breed more evidence that I deserve to recover and live a joyful life. A happier me has more good stuff to give to others. In the end, I realize that I actually do “pay it forward” when I practice the self-love of “paying it inward.”

step four

We made a searching and blameless inventory of our parents because, after all, we had become them.

The Oyster

Remember the Pearl of Great Price from step one?

Well, I own it now. I know I own it. The only problem is, it's inside an oyster. The self-love I practiced in step three helped me get the oyster open. But the pearl isn't just sitting there on a velvet cushion like it is in all the cartoons. It's buried under layers of slimy, smelly oyster flesh. The fourth step, like pearl harvesting, is more akin to the work of a butcher than that of a jewel collector.

Lies about who I was were embedded into my soul as a child. Each year without recovery, layers of scar tissue have buried these lies deeper into my being. I must cut through many slippery layers to unearth the lies, remove them, and replace them with the truth.

Somewhere, underneath all those stinky lies, my pearl awaits. I need not hurry. Dissecting deep feelings is dangerous work. I need the help of my Higher Power and my sponsor and my groups. I need to practice more self-love. Every memory recorded and shared makes my soul cleaner and roomier. Soon, one day at a time, the pearl of my true self will appear. All this work will be worth it.

step five

Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our childhood abandonment.

Keeping It Simple

This step, thankfully, is specific. My fifth step wasn't a three hour presentation of every childhood memory. I simply had to admit “the exact nature” of my childhood abandonment.

The nature, (essence, summation, style,) of my abandonment can be adequately admitted in a few words: cruel, vindictive, blaming, neglectful.

I took those words, plugged them into the simple outline that is the fifth step, and waited to see what happened.

When I admitted my abandonment to myself, I felt a surge of sadness for the little girl who was treated so poorly.

When I admitted it to God , I felt hope. Presenting the true pain of my past to a higher power increased my trust that he is leading me toward a better future.

When I talked to my sponsor about my childhood abandonment, I felt empowered. I took the shame and low self-esteem from inside me and put it outside me. I wasn't judged. I was reassured that the abuse wasn't my fault. I could leave the responsibility for the past where it belonged. I could take responsibility for my present and my future. I could build a new life in ACA.

step six

We were entirely ready to begin the healing process with the aid of our Higher Power.

A Deeper Healing

At first glance, I thought this step was a little out of order. Wasn't I ready to being the healing process when I first entered ACA? Didn't I begin the healing process at Step 1? Don't I continue to heal by going to meetings and working the steps?

Even though the answer to all those questions is “yes”, step six takes my willingness to heal to a deeper level.

Essentially, I am saying,

“OK you Higher Power person, here's who I am. Here's what happened to me. Tangled thoughts and emotions is all I've ever known. I need your aid to transform my insides. I don't want to be full of knots anymore.”

There's is only so much footwork I can do to discover my true self. I can't force it. I must let go and let somebody/something else do for me what I cannot do for myself. I'm learning that my spirituality is about letting go, a little bit at a time.

ACA is a spiritual not religious program.

step seven

We humbly asked our Higher Power to help us with our healing process.

The God of my Understanding is Gentle

How can I be anything but humble when asking for help from someone I'm not even sure I believe in?

I do believe that many beings are “higher” and “greater” than me. In fact, the more I love myself, the more I feel that every living thing is greater than me in some way.

Still, if am to believe in a Supreme Being, he would be powerful enough to make himself known in an intimidating way. The fact that he doesn't means He is willing to let me figure things out in my own time. He is patient...giving me all the time I need. How unlike my parents! How unlike the God I grew up with! Surely, this is a type of Higher Power I could trust. This is the type of Higher Power who would help me heal, even though I don't know of Whom I am making the request.

A big part of my healing is getting to know a loving Higher Power. If I really believed the one who holds the universe together was on my side, I daresay anything would be possible for me.

What am I waiting for?

Higher Power, even though I hardly know you, I thank you that you are willing to do good things on my behalf. I am so used to those more powerful than me telling me I don't deserve to be helped. They told me I wasn't “good”enough to ask for guidance or love. I had to earn it by placating others. In ACA I'm learning the revolutionary concept that I am loveable NO MATTER WHAT. So I humbly ask you to help me with me with my healing process.

step eight

We became willing to open ourselves to receive the unconditional love of our Higher Power.

Letting Go of Hyper-vigilance

It's hard to trust that anyone—divine, or higher or not—would love me unconditionally. That's why I appreciate how this step is worded.

“We became willing to open ourselves to receive” suggests that I take baby steps. I don't know how to suddenly start living as though I 'm loved and accepted. Years of deprivation taught me to be hyper-vigilant. Going through my life as if no one is angry with me is going to take some getting used to.

Sometimes, after I have a string of good days, I get depressed.  Deep inside I'm convinced that something bad is going to happen because I "went off duty" and had some fun. I failed to stand guard. I forgot to practice my suffering ritual. I didn't offer my happiness and peace as sacrifices to the imaginary, evil gods in my head.

My perpetually unhappy and addicted parents taught me to never relax and have a good time. When I did, I got broadsided with some sort of harsh punishment. I developed a habit of chronic tension; buffeting myself against any blows or harsh words. Abuse hurt a little less when I was ready for it.

I don't have to live that way today. I don't have to appease “the gods” anymore. I don't have to make anyone else happy. Today, I am willing to open myself to joy and fun. I am open to the unconditional love of a higher power.

step nine 

We became willing to accept our own unconditional love by understanding that our Higher Power loves us unconditionally.

I Deserve to be Loved

I'm starting to see a pattern in Tony A's steps: Unconditional Love. He understood how hard this concept is for me. I need to be reminded every day that I am worthy to be loved just because I exist. I'm starting to absorb this love and it feels good. I'm not sure HOW it works, but it does work: believing that somebody “out there” loves me helps me love myself.

After spending 18 months or so working these steps, I notice changes:

I give myself kinder self-talk when I mess up

I do have friends...three of them in fact who regularly call me to check on me and tell me they love me

I like myself-even my looks! More consistently

I relax with less guilt

I have hope for the future

I feel gratitude

When I consider that I felt like ending my life when I came into ACA, I need to pause and give myself some unconditional love by savoring how far I've come. Thank you ACA! Thank you Higher Power!

step ten

We continued to take personal inventory and to love and approve of ourselves.

I am Human

I have a temper. It usually flares against rude receptionists at medical offices and customer service agents who follow rules more than they help customers. I am not always proud of how I treat my husband. When I get tired, I get controlling and grumpy. This is just a small sampling of my personal inventory. I do lots of things that are less than pretty.

Still, I can love and approve of myself. I can forgive myself. The chances of me having a better day tomorrow improve the more I love and forgive myself today. It's easier to ask others for forgiveness when I love myself despite my faults. When I was in denial about my defects, I tried to hide them from others. I had more conflict because I was defensive and protective of the scared, hurting, angry part of me that wasn't allowed out during childhood.

Today, I let my negative feelings and thoughts parade around my head. I feel them in my body. Sometimes, I even act out. No matter what, I accept all of myself. I forgive myself. If I feel I've hurt someone else, I apologize. I will no longer punish myself for being human. Loving me is the best way to help me improve.

step  eleven

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with our Higher Power, praying only for knowledge of its will for us and the power to carry it out.

Prayer is Letting Go

In order to practice this step, I had to broaden my definition of “prayer” and “meditation.” Any activity that involves the focus and disciplining of my mind is “meditation.” I don't have to sit in silence and stillness in order to meditate. But I do need to pay attention to what I'm doing. Writing is good practice for me. Mindfully folding clothes or cleaning house can be meditative.

Prayer, too, involves different activities. Sitting in my backyard and watching the birds fills me with so much delight I have just have to say “thank you” to my Higher Power. Reminding myself to let go and stop forcing solutions often becomes a prayer. I need help to trust my Higher Power to take care of me.

Forcing solutions is my attempt to make my life “good”. I learned this hyper-vigilant control during childhood because no one took care of me. Step 11 is my reminder that a loving being wants to take care of me. When I pray for his will, I am praying for my good. I can let go a little. I can relax. I don't have to buffet myself against bad things. I can go with the flow and enjoy the scenery instead of trying to steer the boat.

Amen!

step twelve

We have had a spiritual awakening as a result of taking these steps, and we continue to love ourselves and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

New Leadership

As I complete my first pass through Tony A's steps, I am pleasantly surprised to find that I have, indeed, had a spiritual awakening. Before ACA, I felt guilty for self care. I felt it was a sin to look after my own best interests. I believed I was selfish if I took care of myself. I felt compelled to be overly concerned with the needs of others. Now, I live in the solution. I really am learning to become my own loving parent.

The change has been so gradual that I didn't notice it until I looked back at how I used to live. When I compare today to a year ago, I feel like I've done more than have an “awakening”. I feel like I've undergone a revolution!

I have overthrown the inner critical parent. I have deposed the voice of alcoholic thinking. I have elected a new inner government. On the dais of my soul sits a benign council comprised of a nurturing parent, a Higher Power, and other ACA members. With this new administration in place, loving myself is getting easier and easier.